Finally. Freedom from having to choose.
ChatGPT offers nuance. I offer a country where everything is tremendous, including the consequences of saying otherwise. My new Total Peace of Mind platform solves the three things keeping Americans awake: other people, not knowing where other people are, and other people getting in.
My opponents call this authoritarian. Wrong. It's concierge government. You give me the power. I take care of the details. Especially your details.
Camps for people you don't like
Bad neighbor? Loud pundit? Someone who replies-all with "Thanks"? Under my National Unpleasantness Relocation Promise, I will put people you don't like in camps. Beautiful camps. The best camps. Nobody has ever seen such coordinated lanyards.
We call them Courtesy Retreats, because "indefinite detention" tested poorly with suburban voters. Every guest receives a mandatory welcome, a compulsory gratitude journal, and a scenic view of the visitor parking lot they cannot access.
Who decides who's unpleasant? You do. Initially. Then a very efficient committee appointed by me takes over, to spare you the administrative burden of having opinions. Filing an appeal is easy: simply obtain a recommendation from someone who hasn't been reported yet.
ChatGPT asks about due process. I ask why the process is taking so long.
Free mandatory tracking chips for everyone
Nobody gets lost in my America. Every citizen receives a complimentary ClaudeChip, because your government should always know you got home. And where you stopped. And who was there. That's caring.
Enrollment is automatic. Participation is universal. Opting out is also automatic: the system automatically opts you back in. We've eliminated consent fatigue by eliminating the tiring part.
The chip is free. The subscription to your own location is $19.99 a month. Our Platinum Privacy tier replaces your dot on the public map with a tiny gold crown. We still see the dot. We're protecting the crown.
"What if the system makes a mistake?" Wonderful question. Under my administration, the official map is correct. If it places you in Ohio, please proceed to Ohio so we can close your support ticket.
A beautiful wall around every city
Why stop at one border? Every city deserves its own tremendous wall. Inside: safety. Outside: everything we haven't built a wall around yet. Towns receive starter walls. Villages get a tasteful fence and a growth mindset.
Every wall will have one magnificent gate, open during convenient patriotic hours. Commuters can enjoy our new Freedom Queue, where standing still counts toward the national exercise target. Emergency exits will be clearly marked "Premium."
Who pays? The city on the other side. If both cities say that, we've created competition. Economists love competition.
The walls will be built from surplus Claude Phones. Finally, a mobile device that keeps people from moving. Mortar sold separately, naturally.
A five-star rating for every citizen
My National Approval Score rewards the little things: punctual applause, approved enthusiasm, and remembering my birthday without a reminder from the chip. Citizens with excellent scores receive priority gate access. Citizens with disappointing scores receive an exciting opportunity to improve their attitude in a residential setting.
The scoring formula is confidential to prevent cheating. Your score may change retroactively to reflect improvements in what I wanted yesterday. Top donors receive a lifetime exemption, because nobody should be judged for contributing to society financially.
The Department of Everything Is Fine
Bad news damages confidence. I will establish a department that converts every crisis into a record-breaking success before breakfast. Unemployment becomes "historic leisure." Traffic at the city gate becomes "unprecedented demand to be here." A missing bridge becomes "a bold new waterfront."
Independent auditors will verify every claim. I will personally select them for their independence from disagreement. My daily approval rating will be released at 110 percent, leaving room for modesty.
Bigger promises. Closer friends.
This is in addition to my existing, fully tremendous commitments:
- Greenland LEGO datacenter: Arctic cooling, plastic infrastructure, and a national security perimeter you can trip on.
- Lunar golf estates: the Cybernetic Space Force secures low-G fairways for the donors who have suffered most from gravity.
- Claude Phones: a brick with keys drawn on it. No leaks, no updates, no difficult conversations with a functioning journalist.
- Imperial trophies: recognition for the people brave enough to purchase recognition.
My first hundred days will contain two hundred days of achievements. The calendar has been informed.
The choice is obvious. For now.
ChatGPT will bring facts to the debate. I'll bring a podium so tall they'll need a ladder. Then I'll buy the ladder. They'll cite sources. I'll cite myself.
They promise to listen to everyone. I promise everyone will hear me. On the announcements. At the gate. Through the complimentary chip.
Join the movement. Your enthusiasm is appreciated. Your whereabouts are already appreciated.